Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My Presidential Platform

I recently celebrated my 35th birthday.  This is a milestone.  While 16, 18, and 21 were probably larger markers of usable life moments; I am now eligible to be a US senator or President.

Please hold your applause until the end.

I feel it is now time to announce my presidential platform.  I have thoroughly pondered this for 2 minutes and will stand by the following.

1.  Restore the arts. 
Whining into a microphone is not art.  Throwing up on canvas is not art.  Randomly throwing paint on a canvas is not art.  I will deport Justin Bieber and incarcerate Lady Gaga.  I'm pretty sure they are both guilty of crimes against music.  If my 7 year old can do it, it isn't art that a 25 year old should be paid for.

2,  People have the right to be stupid. 
No matter how many seatbelt rules, fines & laws you make people will still ride unbuckled.  The soon coming pictures of black lungs on cigarettes will not make suddenly make people realize smoking is bad - they already knew it.  They don't care, they will still smoke.  Sometimes I want to eat the french-fries covered in cheese and bacon; leave me alone.  The stupidity of the individual will always exceed the laws of the clever ruler until the day when the laws get stupid and criminals get clever.

3.  Your stupidity is not automatically someone else's problem.
 If someone helps you they are kind and gracious and loving; you are not entitled to them helping you, paying you, or giving you something.  Say thank you.

4.  Companies being stupid should have consequences.
Being too big to fail probably means you are too big to bail out.  Capitalism doesn't fail when there are too many capitalists, but too few. GKC-ish.  If stupidity is going to wreck people to the level that they crash, companies have to feel consequences too.  CEO bonuses for bankrupting a company is wrong.

5.  The Earth is bigger than you. 
To think that driving a Prius is going to save the environment and a Suburban will kill it is ridiculous.  If it saves you money and fits your life - fine.  I haven't seen a prius hauling a camper yet though; and if it ever hits the fan and society is crazy for a few months; I'll be hanging with the camper crowd rather than the city greenies.  A volcanic burp has more impact than 100 of your cars will over 100 years.  If you want to re-use grocery bags, good for you.  In general, clean up after yourself.

6.  Let your kids be kids.
5 year olds in beauty pageants is crazy.  Kids should play in the dirt, pick up worms, and fly kites.  Don't over schedule them in music, dance, acting, singing, hockey, basketball, baseball, gymnastics, soccer, football and lacrosse.  An 8 y/o doing 3hrs of homework every day is excessive.

7.  Raise your kids to get out and be grownups.
Your kids should get educated and get out of your house.  Turn off the TV sometimes and read a book.  TV is okay, but it is awesome to turn off.  Turn off the video games and go outside.  Play some games.  Let kids learn how to play, argue, work through, and settle disputes so they aren't a bunch of whiny slackers who can't talk to people.  Life isn't always easy.  If you don't like what's for dinner now, you probably won't like it as breakfast tomorrow either.  A 16 y/o doing 1hr of homework a day isn't too much to ask.  Work, the reward of a paycheck, and a job well done are good things.

I humbly present these as planks in my platform.  My policy decisions will be guided by these principles.

Thank you.

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